“I’m Better than the Others”: The Pick-Me Girl, Internalized Misogyny, and How This Affects theFemale Community as a Whole
“Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” This iconic line is taken from a monologue recited by Meredith Grey in the medical drama Grey’s Anatomy. While meant to be seen as heartfelt and romantic at the time, the context of the monologue is far from wholesome: Meredith states these six words to Derek Shepherd, a doctor who is already married. Essentially, then, Meredith is begging for a man’s approval and love while that man is married to another woman (pathetic).
Thus, thanks to Tik Tok, Meredith’s character and her “pick me/choose me/love me” monologue inspired the “Pick-Me Girl” phenomenon: a situation where certain women are exposed for putting down, betraying, and/or ridiculing other women for the sole purpose of male Approval.
The Pick-Me Girl had her peak in many late-90s and early-2000s romantic comedies and sitcoms: Lilly in The Princess Diaries, Julianne from My Best Friend’s Wedding, and Tess from 27 Dresses. Lilly bullies Mia, her best friend, after Mia gets her princess makeover. Julianne, knowing that her male best friend is marrying another woman, still tries to be with him. Tess makes snide remarks about other women, and doesn’t want certain women in her wedding who she doesn’t deem attractive. While these characters are all drastically different, the one thing they share in common is their internalized misogyny and lack of support for other women.
Right now, you might be thinking “so what? Just ignore women like that.” But the underlying agenda of the Pick-Me Girl label poses a threat to women’s rights and safety. The Pick-Me Girl won’t just steal your boyfriend or make fun of you for your appearance. The Pick-Me Girl is capable of much worse. The Pick-Me Girl can protest against women’s rights and needs, out of influence from their male friends or spouses.
However, sometimes we overuse the Pick-Me girl label by weaponizing it. Women call each other “pick-me’s” when we don’t agree with each other or are afraid to acknowledge the validity in what another woman is saying. Simply labeling a woman as a “pick-me” because her interests don’t align with yours is wrong and divisive.
The origin of the term “pick me girl” came from a female character asking for a man’s love and approval. Thus, one could argue that the origins of this term—and the use of it—come from a way to separate ourselves from other women. Perhaps when women use this term, we feel a need to validate our own feelings or thoughts.
For example, there is a woman on Tik Tok named Sophie LaCorte. Reportedly, LaCorte went on a date with her “friend’s” ex. She made a video expressing frustration at those who attacked her for doing so. Although Halle(the friend with the ex) took him back, many women were quick to take sides, while the main source of the problem sat pretty - in the house Halle paid for. To this day, we still don’t know how close these two women were, but we still watched both women get ripped to shreds. It was sad to see how many women were being misogynistic to members of their own community. Why should we judge a situation we know nothing about? This is an example of how the term “pick me” girl can be weaponized.
So this holiday season, approach your female relatives and friends with warmth and grace. Make your New Year’s resolution centered around listening to the women in your lives, even when you don’t see eye to eye. Before judging a woman in your life, put yourself in her shoes. Make sure women know that you are on their side, even when you take different sides on certain issues. Have the courage to discuss issues with certain women that you wouldn’t have spoken to before.
Internalized misogyny is not just a Tik Tok meme. It is a life-threatening epidemic. Since the Pick-Me Girl was more normalized during the millennial generation and before, there may be women in your own life who have internalized misogyny and aren’t aware of it. So where do we go from here? We educate. We spread awareness. We call out women we love when they gossip about other women. We don’t validate snide remarks about other women. We don’t engage with women who compete for a man’s attention. We educate women on why they need to support each other. When a woman messes up, she’s already beating herself up—how can we lift her up MORE instead of tearing her down?